Traumatic Events, Part 3: Bonus Round

Among the memories that haunt me, Part 1 and Part 2 did a good job of capturing most of the linguistically-based incidents. Other similar incidents abound, however. While these were not (strictly speaking) due to the fact that I was a non-native English speaker, the cultural disconnect certainly didn't help.

So as a bonus, here are some more tiny random nuggets of embarrassment from childhood, curated and ranked:

Ugh, SMH

[Honorable Mention] I Saw the Sun

Soon after I immigrated, the Swedish pop machine had its newest entrant to the US airwaves: Ace of Base. There was this song that constantly played on the radio: The Sign. I didn't really listen to music actively until the late 90s, but I guess The Sign was popular enough that you didn't really need to look for it to hear it all the time. Thing was, whenever I heard it, I though they were singing about looking at the Sun. Seeing the Sun made a lot more sense to an 8 year-old than seeing a sign. I mean, if you sing it, it sort of works, right? "I saw the Sun, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the Sun."

Cringe, I know. But hey, life is demanding, without understanding.

[Bronze Medal] You're Wack

I have no idea where I heard the 90s slang mainstay "wack". Maybe it was a TV program, maybe a commercial, maybe a classmate. Or all of the above. I didn't even know what it meant, but as was the case using other choice words (see Part 1), it didn't prevent me from using it. What I remember clearly was saying to my mom, in English, "Mom, you're wack!" Just tried to dip my toes in the deep end. Now, I'm pretty sure she didn't know what it meant, either. She only knew that she didn't like what she heard, and thus quickly dispensed a big ol' slap across my cheek.

I rest my case.

[Silver] Something to do with Bones

This happens quite a bit later, during Mr. Vezzolini's sixth grade class. My best friend Chris B and I were, together with Melissa C, the three top (read: nerdiest?) students in our class. We'd often finish tests or projects earlier or otherwise have some free time to goof off, and made for a nice platonic throuple during school hours. I don't know how I came across this word, but it was getting tossed around more and more being that by the time we were in the sixth grade. Boner. What did it mean? No idea. Something to do with bones? Yes, we had internet access on our Power Mac 5400 in class. I guess it didn't occur to me to search Yahoo! or Altavista (or Lycos, or Infoseek, or Excite... you get the idea) to get the answer. No, I relied on my trusty friends for that. Intuitively, I asked Chris what boner meant, and he just chuckled and declined to answer. Thanks a lot, dude. The plot thickens. So I asked Melissa instead, who seemed immediately flustered, didn't really want to answer, but after much pressure from me, ended up telling me it was slang for erection. Ohhhhhh. Well, being that we had already started sex ed in sixth grade, I knew what that meant.

So yes, my innocence was shattered. Age 12. By my friend and crush. Thanks and sorry I did that to you, Melissa.

[Gold Medal] MC Two

There's a wonderful age from toddlerhood to the mid/late single digits when most kids are just fearless about what comes out of their mouths. They do say the darnest things, you know. That age comes to an abrupt end in some dramatic fashion, when the realization sets in that you can actually say things that are very, very, stupid, and others know it. Maximum cringe. This is that story, and one of my favorite embarrassment stories of all time — certainly covering the magical elementary school years. Manchester GATE was a second through sixth-grade magnet, and I was just a lowly second grader. Sometimes, sixth graders were really awesome (shoutout once again to Charles Nutter, best bud ever). And sometimes, they were the exact opposite.

There I was, in the cafeteria hot lunch line, and either I ran into a sixth grader or he ran into me, and he said, "Watch it, stupid". At that point, I was not yet intimidated and defiantly responded, "I'm not stupid! I know E=MC²!" Allow me to clarify: I didn't not say MC squared. I said, MC two. The same thing I said in my head the first time I read about Einstein's theory of mass/energy equivalence. The same thing my internal monologue repeated when E=MC² popped out in some kind of Bill Nye The Science Guy-esque montage. This is smart stuff. The smartest thing you could possibly know. E equals MC two. "It's squared, STUPID!" And he just laughed at me more, but this time with his friends joined in this time. I don't know what his name was, and I forgot what he looked like (I have since supplanted the original memory with the Buzz McCallister from Home Alone). But man, the dude burned me, and I was aghast. I felt really, f*ing stupid. And just... dead inside.

Legend has it, I'm still not over this horrific incident, to this day.